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Archive for August, 2014

puzzle noise

Dear Jakey,

We are starting our second week on PI. Sarena left early this morning. I find myself thinking about you in so many ways. So many memories of our life together.  I remember our 2nd and 3rd summers here at 81 Northern (which is just up the driveway from where we are now) and I remember when I was paranoid you had an ear infection. I remember our 4th summer at 35 Northern and every time we walk by the house I remember Tuck over for dinner and you on my lap.

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And I remember Daddy pushing your stroller over the same path through the dunes we walk now. I remember hanging with you under the umbrella or in your shark tent. I can picture what you were wearing and what I was wearing and these snapshots feel like they could have been taken yesterday. Everything here is so much more vivid than in our real normal life. Maybe because the memories here are all good, they don’t get lost and mixed up with the bad ones. And almost every day since we got here,  when sitting on our deck I hear a noise that makes me jump. The first thought that comes to mind is that its your puzzle from Kate that lives in my car (well lived in the Volvo, I still have to move it to the Jeep) because it is that exact sound. And it makes me think “Hi Jakey” the way everyone thinks when the sound happens in the car. And then I realize that can’t be the cause of the noise but I still can’t figure out what it is. And that is fine because I like to think it is you on vacation with us.

Love,

Mommy

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Quiet

Dear Jakey,

We are in Plum Island. It is our 8th year, our 4th without you. I know you would like our house so much and I can kind of feel you near. It’s the same house as last year and I can’t imagine being anywhere else, except maybe the house we were in for two years with you. That house is right behind us and last night their porch was filled with a family. And it made me think of when we were there with you. I can close my eyes and picture you on the couch in the front room or on my lap on the porch and it seems like yesterday. I get so choked up some times and need to reset. I never know when that moment will come but it came hard on Friday.

We had such a nice couple days before leaving for PI. We had 6 JHFH deliveries and they were each pretty amazing. I have everything ordered and we got everything that arrived delivered before vacation. This particular batch (and likely because it was done in such a short amount of time) really hit home with me. We have such a varied group of families with so many different needs all brought together by you. You are the common factor in all of them and because I am your mom I am so connected to our families. Anyways, on the way home from our last delivery I got so overwhelmed. And Ethan and Sarena were so loud, not loud in a bad way. Just loud in a two kids that have been in the car for hours and are now stir crazy loud. And I just got sad. All the noise made me realize that what I miss sometimes so much is the quiet. The quiet connection that you and I had. When we would just be, when just holding you while you slept was enough. And now life does not have those moments and I miss them so very much.

Yesterday we got up and ready to leave. And I was still coming to terms with what was spinning through my head. Daddy brought the vacation sign we bought in Aruba to your grave and it made me start to get out of my head and feel better. I never know what it will be that will bring me back. And then you, the cardinal, flew around and I let out a deep breath and all was once again good. At least for now. Thank you buddy.

Love,
Mommy

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Lavender Road

Dear Jakey,

Over a month has passed since my last letter. I have had an ongoing list of things to write you about. Things like our Greenridge family, about people we know, about my new Jeep and about our cardinal games. All these things are so important for me to tell you, yet not quite important enough to make me sit down and write.

But now I am writing, and it feels a little like it did when I first would write to you, when I felt so strongly that I HAD to write to you. On Wednesday, we were at the track. And we were so very close to a horse that went down. And Jake, as soon as she was down her legs shook and her mouth foamed and you could tell something was very wrong. And you could tell she was scared. And all I could think (and still think) was that this poor baby was having a seizure. And its strange because they weren’t even your types of seizures but it was a moment when you just knew all was wrong. The kind of moment I am all too familiar with. And as this poor filly tried to come back to her previous life she just couldn’t. She stood and she fell and she flipped and it just wouldn’t stop. And I felt like I couldn’t breathe. And for a few minutes it was like you couldn’t look away but I knew I couldn’t watch anymore. Or we shouldn’t watch. And I snapped at Ethan and it took me a bit to get myself together. And I still am not sure I’ve gotten it all together yet.

The filly’s name was Lavender Road and she died yesterday. I couldn’t stop stalking twitter in hopes to find out more and I still can’t get it out of my mind and out of my thoughts. Sometimes I think about how strange that is because I am not so much of an animal person. But in that moment I understood more about animals and relationships people have with them then I ever had before. And I once again in life felt heartbroken.

I told Ethan about Lavender Road’s passing last night at bed. I knew it would be hard for him because he has seen more death than he should at 9. And I wondered how much of this triggered things for him in the way that they were triggered for me. But we talked about how Lavender Road was in Heaven now and that maybe you and him were hanging out. We have learned so much about hippotherapy since you left us here and I always think about if you would have liked it. Maybe you are getting your chance now. I hope so.

I love you buddy. So very much and I miss you so much every day. It’s still so hard to plug along in this life each day until I see you again. I hope you know that. And I will figure out how to write you more because I have a lot to say.

Love you always,
Mommy

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