tolerance

Dear Jakey,

I write to you today with a very particular request. The request for tolerance. I lack it. I have for a long time but as of late it has gotten worse. I am about to pop with frustration and I know that is not right. I know people do what they can and it is not my place to judge but lately I have been so fed up with people and their inability to deal with their particular burdens. Being your mom has in many ways made me a much better person than I ever thought I could be, but it has also left me with a lack of patience and sympathy for others. So I write to you and ask you to help me. Remind me that not everyone has learned the lessons you taught me and remind me that I can’t be angry because people get stuck. That they rather get upset and hurt by the same old shit instead of figuring out how to take control and move on. That people think they are right and therefore overly opinionated. That people are hurtful without intending to be and often don’t recognize the hurt they cause. That I am guilty of all the things that are burning me up lately but that I am working so hard at being more tolerant. And at forgiving those who I need to forgive – even if they have no idea what they have done. I just am so sick and tired of people telling me they have learned so much from you and changed their lives when the truth is almost two years have passed and they really haven’t changed at all.

That is it. I am hoping talking to you will help me work through it. It usually does. I miss your father and wish he was already home. Help get him home as quick as possible.

I miss you so much.

Love,

Mommy

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living life

Dear Jakey,

I’ve been struggling lately with happiness. I try pretty hard to be happy and in the moment but the startling realization that you are gone always pops up. And dulls the happiness. The beginning of the school year seemed particularly difficult. The excitement and nervousness around the first day was such a high which then became mixed up in all that was different and missing.

There is so many new things that we are doing and sometimes I am not sure what to make of it. I hate knowing that so much of what we do now is a direct result of you not being here. It makes it all seem wrong, no matter how fun it is. One of my oldest friends, who I am so grateful you were able to meet ,wrote me the following words this summer. They sum it up better than I ever could about what I think we are all trying to do. And I appreciate so much her putting it in words. Because I worry that you think we are having too much fun without you, when the truth is we would give up all our trips and adventures for even a second more with you. This is what she wrote:

“Hey girl. I’ve been seeing all your fun pictures lately and it’s so good to see you out there giving life your best shot! I want you to know that I have kept my promise, and always will. I have not for one single moment forgotten about Jake and you and how it has affected you. I know we all put on good faces for others or are living our lives, having fun, but inside there is always something inside us that is all ours and only ours and is always present. I love you sister. I am very proud of you for living on, having experiences with your friends and family and giving it your best! I know Heather. I just know and I somehow understand a bit about your situation. I love you, always will. I look forward to seeing more and more wonderful, beautiful and if I may say HOT pictures of you on Facebook! xoxo -HMD”

Can’t wait to see you again,

Mommy

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circumstances

Dear Jakey,

Yesterday we went back to church. For whatever reason/excuse, we haven’t gone all summer and truthfully probably not since May. And now that school is starting up again, I was really feeling that we needed to get it back on our priority list. So we did. And while I was sitting there I was thinking a lot about you and about faith. Without fail, every time I sit through mass, at one point or another I tear up. Sometimes it is what is being said but I think most often it is just the quiet and stillness and the fact that I allow myself to sit and try to feel you close. Not that I don’t do that at other times, a lot of the time but something about sitting in church seems different. As though I can take a moment to believe that you are truly hanging in Heaven with God and not be distracted by doubt or fear.

Anyways, yesterday at church I watched a brother and sister that were sitting a few pews behind us. They were older than you and Ethan are now, probably more like 10 and 11. Anyways, what stood out to me was when they went to put the offering in the children’s basket up front – he helped her because she was blind. She held onto his arm and you could see how much she trusted him and he guided her. It made me think about you and Ethan and how he was with you – patient and protective –  and how I had always pictured him continuing to be your protector. And then it made me think more about your brother and how much he has to continue to adjust to his new normal. His new normal of being an only child. I don’t think I have been as sympathetic as I could be because I never really thought about it as much as I did yesterday in church. I always enjoyed being an only child but never knew any different. Ethan spent from 15 months old to just under 6 with you as his built-in buddy. All he really knows is being a big brother to you. And now it is just him and I can understand now a little more the void in his life too. The new normal is hard on us all Jakey.

And yesterday I read a book – What Remains – and while it may seem depressing to read about death and how people handle their own tragedies – it actually helps me. I sometimes relate better to strangers’ words on paper  than those I know and love in person. The author writes “You never know when something is going to happen to change your life. You expect it to arrive with fanfare, like a wedding or birth, but instead it comes with the most ordinary of circumstances” And that is what is the most true and the most scary to me. That is what happened with you. Who knew that on a random Wednesday night, after tae kwon do, the course of my life would be forever altered? Who knew it could all change so quick and so suddenly? Who can say it won’t happen again?

With all my love and kisses,

Mommy

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