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Archive for January, 2011

Tile

Dear Jakey,

You will get a kick out of today. I actually did it – I finished day one of the tiling project and it came out pretty decent. It was both harder and easier than I expected. In a weird way it feels like it is one of the things that I was able to do since you left us that I actually am quite proud of and feel good about. Other things have been noticeably different and while even enjoyable, I can’t help but think about how I am able to do things now because you are gone. This felt different. Maybe because it was at home and maybe because it was just me. Maybe because it didn’t feel like I was avoiding the inevitable realization that when I got home you wouldn’t be there. Instead I was here at our house, doing something to make it better and alone with my thoughts and with you. It was pretty okay. It needs 24-36 hours before I can grout so tomorrow I will be back at it. I love you so much my little man. It is time to take your brother to Tae Kwon Do. We’ll be by to see you first. Talk soon. Much love.

XOXO

Mommy

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week to come

Dear Jakey,

I almost didn’t write because I was worried about what to say. Today has been another day where all though we plugged along and did our thing – I just am sad. A weird, different, deeper sad. But you know that and no one wants to hear it anymore. So as I was about to go up to bed, I thought that I would give you an idea of what is happening here on Earth this week.

1. Tomorrow I am tiling the bathroom floor. That may shock you and seem highly out of character. You are right. It is. Many moons ago your mother tiled a floor in her old condo in Boston. Daddy was always impressed and now in the midst of all this craziness I have ended up with a tiling job on my hands. I am a little nervous. It’s been a long time. But I’ve got all day (well after I snowshoe with Cynthia, get your brother to school and start week 5 with Sharon). Wish me luck.

2. I am skiing with Miss Bridget on Tuesday. Then I will be back to grout in the afternoon.

3. Wednesday skiing – hope it is not another snow day. Could be a big storm coming.

4. Daddy is going to visit Sarena.

5. Lunch with Tina on Thursday. I am excited to visit with her. The loss of you has brought new friendships into my life and she is one of them.

6. Uncle Steve is coming for a visit on Saturday afternoon.  But first is another ski day with Ethan on Saturday. G-Pa is coming with us. Should be fun.

7. Busy week. I also need to finish the yearbook stuff, put a power point presentation together and really get some more cards done. I owe so many people thank yous and there is so much I want to do for you. Maybe I will start some of it. Or maybe it will move along to next week’s list.

Jakey, I desperately miss you. We cleaned up and organized your grave today. It was starting to look a little yard saleish but now it looks awesome, or as awesome as it can. Help us out down here – we miss you so much. We love you to pieces.

XOXO,

Mommy

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adjustment

Dear Jakey,

I miss you. How many letters have I started like this lately? Probably a lot. It almost seems like I miss you more with each day that passes. And I don’t think I am alone. Ethan is struggling too. It is like we are growing accustomed to you not being here yet it just sucks more each day. Sometimes I don’t even notice the differences until they have passed. It sucks. At the same time, I don’t like it when people comment on my sorrow or suffering. It doesn’t seem right either because when people say that I think of something that will pass. This won’t. Life as I know it is forever altered. I am deeply sad and while suffering isn’t a word I would ever choose to describe myself, I can’t say it isn’t an appropriate description. I guess it just seems too depressing when people comment about it because it is just the way it is now. I know people say it won’t always be this hard but I am not sure I believe that and I know I don’t want to believe it. I think people say that because they don’t want it to be so bad and it just might make them feel better but the fact is, for me and I think for Ethan, it has only gotten worse. While the good days are better, the bad days are worse. It is just a fact – it is the way it is. And the fact is that no one can make it better. And if I can’t have you back, I don’t really need it to be better. It just is. Life is different and we are all adjusting. And honestly, I like to think of us as adjusting instead of suffering. We are making do and we are doing our best. But at the end of the day – we just want you back. We go to your grave, we look up to Heaven, we pray, we talk, we read, we bring things, we do anything we can to keep you close. We love you, we miss you and while I can’t speak for anyone else, I would give anything in the world to touch you again. To love you, to sleep next to you, to feed you, to hug you, to snuggle, even to have you puke on me. All of it I want back.

With so much love,

Mommy

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snowman

Dear Jakey,

This is another instance of you knowing more than me. A couple of days ago the cutest snowman ever appeared next to you. The words “We Love You” where next to it. It is so adorable and so great. We all love it. But, those of us here on Earth have no idea who did it! Lots of friends read your letters so I am hoping whoever did it reads this and knows how awesome they are. Or Jakey maybe you should find a special way to let them know how much you love it. Either way it is nice to remember how good others are and let them know how much they mean. So – thank you –

On another note, Daddy and I picked out your headstones today. We picked out a pretty nice bench to sit at the foot of the whole plot. And then for you a pretty simple marker. I like it  – very comfortable and very appropriate. We can sit on the bench and look at you. And hopefully we can get it all settled in on your birthday.

Off to Lake Ave -and sending so much love,

Mommy

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souls

Dear Jakey,

This is a short letter. I miss you so very much. Sometimes it is weird because it seems bearable. And then after a few days of that it all comes back to me. Just a few minutes ago I was looking through pictures to print out in sepia for the new frame and I came upon the pictures from the hospital after you passed. It is strange because they look the most like you – the pictures from Tunison look like you sleeping but the pictures from the hospital bed look like I remember you most. Just more like real life.

I need to go back and re-read some stuff because I remember reading in one of my books about when the soul actually leaves the physical body. And I think about that night. And I think about how I needed to clean up all the doctor’s mess. And cover you up – not your face but your body – like I was putting you to bed.  And I wonder when your soul left. Was it when I was cleaning up? Was it when we were all around you? Was it when the priest was telling us that you were no longer suffering and it was our turn to suffer? I guess it doesn’t really matter but I miss you. I wish we were up in bed now snuggling.

More love than ever before,

Mommy

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you

Dear Jakey,

I am not sure what happened but a couple of days have passed without a letter. I know we have been talking and I have been doing a lot of reading and thinking about things. In a weird way I have started to feel so connected to you – in a way that is different from when you were here on Earth. There was so much here that I had to interpret and while I think I did a good job figuring out what you liked or needed and figuring out who you were – there was still a lot of questions. If it is true that you chose the life you had and chose Daddy and I as your parents and Ethan as your brother – it says so much about you. Particularly about the life you chose. What an amazing little boy you are – even more amazing than originally thought!  You chose a harder life for yourself in order to teach us about life and what is important. And even know you are still teaching us so much more.

There are a lot of things going on so I am just going to make another list for now. These are things that I will likely expand on later but what to make sure you are up to speed.

  1. Mommy LOVES skiing on Wednesdays with Kelly, Heath and Hilary. It has been so good and fun and I am individually and collectively grateful for each of them in my life.
  2. Your foundation has a name (as long as NYS accepts it) – Jake’s Help From Heaven. Seems fitting and we love it.
  3. We have a lot of work to do in the next few days to try to put together a Board of Directors.
  4. Ethan asked last night where you died – at home or in the ambulance. He still thinks so much about you. I told him you died at the hospital but the truth is I am not really sure. I just didn’t want him to think that you died at our house.
  5. I got a new computer – a macbook.

Another random list for you my little peanut!  Mommy loves you the most and misses you so very much. I hope you are warm and happy and full of health and peace.

Love,

Mommy

 

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different

Dear Jakey,

It is so cold here that Ethan didn’t have school again. He brought you up a bunch – you must be on his mind a lot today. It is just the strangest thing without you and each day has something a little different to endure. Today my thing was another weird, unexpected little thing. I went to Price Chopper for a couple of things and almost started to cry in the peanut butter aisle. I was automatically buying the Simply Jif because that is what we always bought for you – the ketogenic friendly peanut butter. And then it hit me that I could buy whatever peanut butter I wanted. Not that it  is such a big deal but it is different and I am tired of everything in life being different now. But I bought a new brand – and it is from the peanut guy in NYC and is flavored with cinnamon and raisins. Pretty tasty – try it up in heaven and enjoy the carbs and sugar you couldn’t here.

The last 24 hours has also been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. I hate that sometimes I am so sensitive but I am not sure that people understand the incredible impact their words can have.  Little things again – but some have a disproportionately big impact. Anyways, the flip side to that is that some messages have truly been uplifting and powerful. Mary,who you met at Cafe Frida in NYC, wrote me the most amazing email last night. I have read it over and over and am grateful for her. You must have known that I was thinking about her and knew that was a great way to pass along a message. You never cease to wow me, Jakey and I remain eternally grateful for my 4 years, 7 months and 4 days with you here on Earth.

I am reading another book now – Messages from the Masters. On one of the first pages it talks about how you pick your parents. I like that thought, Jakey.

Love,

Mommy

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