Team Jake

Dear Jakey,

Another little boy that I never knew but followed a little through friends of friends on facebook died. He was one of those boys that reminded me of you, and part of this whole world of kids like you that I never really knew about until after you died. Sometimes I wished that I knew these families and kids while you were here because sometimes it felt so alone. But mostly I am just glad I get to follow them now, except when they go to join you. Then I am just reminded of how unfair it all can be .

I have however been feeling so proud of your legacy. And the people who knew you and loved you working hard to keep your memory alive. And also people who never met you that still work so hard to keep your memory alive. I’ve been feeling the love and it is nice. Saturday we did the Hero Rush again. And this year there were about 10 people on our team. We had Team Jake shirts that Susan made for us there was a moment when I just knew you would be happy, and probably laughing. The race starts with climbing up stairs to a platform. And the announcer noticed we were all Team Jake – he asked if you were here which caught me off guard but he got it when I answered “unfortunately, no” and he knew that we were doing it for you in your memory. And then we slid down fireman polls. I think you would have dug it. And I pictured you on your red fire engine with Xavier and it all felt right. And everyone finished and had fun and is already talking about next year and making the team bigger. And lots of it has to do with you.

As you know we found Jake Muffin. Daddy is actually the one. I couldn’t believe he made it downstairs. He was roaming around the dining room with one of Ethan’s little balls, rolling it around with his nose. Kind of like he was playing soccer. And for a moment I thought of you and the freedom you know have. I love you buddy and miss you more with each passing day.

Love,

Mommy

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time out

Dear Jakey,

I have found myself spending lots of time in my self-imposed time outs lately. Not because of anything particular, more because I am missing you extra and finding it a little difficult to think other things really matter. And I have come to realize over time when I am in these moods that keeping to myself is best. And with that comes some good things, like remembering such good times with you. And also remembering some really scary times with you – the times only a few people really understand, actually really only daddy understands. Those times in the middle of the night when everything was so scary, when we weren’t sure what to do and knew you were uncomfortable or suffering and nothing we did helped. And then when people would share their stories of not sleeping well and I couldn’t help but be aggravated because they didn’t really understand that particular fear. And then when that particular fear comes true it is more than people can relate to and usually more than people want to talk about. And sometimes all I want is to talk about you so then it leads me to my time outs.

And I have been spending time talking to other families in similar situation. Not necessarily people who have lost their lovebugs, but those living the life we lived with you. I miss that life so much, as hard as it was, it was perfect for us. And I miss it. But then there comes a time in some of these families lives where their lovebug dies too. And that is when I really struggle with understanding why. It just seems so unfair and my heart breaks every time I follow a story that ends with parents burying their little peanut. I will never understand it.

I miss you so much. And your namesake, Jake Muffin, too. He busted out and we need help. Help him find us or help us find him. Either way but we are getting nervous about finding him. We can’t lose him too!

Love,

Mommy

 

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may days

Dear Jakey,

It is that funny time of year when there are lots of good things all at the same time but for the third year in a row it continues to overwhelm me. There was the fundraiser which was amazing this year. And I love how it consumes so much of my time. And then there is your birthday which as you know was somewhat difficult for me this year. I am wondering how you like being 7. We were in Lake Placid and all remembered time there with you, especially the first time we were there together in the summer. And you and I were chilling in the sun while Daddy and Ethan paddle boated. It was a great day. And then we had the memorial scholarship luncheon and today we have mother’s day. Each year it seems a little intense. And I look forward to getting through these days.

Today Ethan makes his first communion. I wish you were here to be a part of it. It feels strange having these important milestones with you missing. And it really feels weird not having you here for Mother’s Day.

Love,

Mommy

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7

Dear Jakey,

Saturday you are turning 7. Not sure how to make any sense of that. I was talking with Miss Briana and she can picture what you look like now. I like the way she described you – kind of like a skinnier Ethan. I think it is probably very true. You looked so much like each other. There are still some baby pictures I need to flip over and read the date to know which one of you it was. And you were so much thinner your last few years. And sometimes that doesn’t make sense to me either because when you were born you weighed more than Ethan and were shorter. You were my extra chubby baby. But now you are almost 7. And 7 is big. And so different from 4 when I last saw you. And it sucks that I can’t really picture you. And it sucks that in my dream last night you died all over. I hope that Heaven is all it’s cracked up to be because you deserve it. I just really wish you were here.

Love,

Mommy

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