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Archive for April, 2012

signs

Dear Jakey,

You should see the house. It is like a JHFH storage unit right now. We have had two deliveries in the last week and three more in the coming days. And the fundraiser is less than three weeks away. And it all keeps me so busy. Today I was in Albany to pick some wine up for the raffle and then to Glenville to pick up some equipment donations. Each day lately there has been so much overwhelmingly good and supportive things happening, yet as happy as it makes me, it is still so very hard. It still seems like sometimes I am going through all of this new life and am watching it from the outside looking in.

Monday we went to a delivery of a little boy in Moreau. And on the way there your toy puzzle went off three or four times which was funny because it hadn’t gone off that much since Mr. Marc and I went to see Xavier. It makes me think that you approve of what we are doing. Anyways, Christopher was an amazing little boy. A living miracle. And his energy was so positive that you couldn’t help but smile around him. And then later in the day I got an email from his mother sharing with me that in the morning before we came there was big bright cardinal in the backyard. She didn’t know the significance and happened to mention it to Christopher’s speech therapist because it was so unusual to see cardinals in her backyard. Christine had read my letters to you told her what the cardinal means to me. So I thank you for the these signs, for playing your puzzle and showing up at deliveries. For dive bombing into me and Ethan this morning and into Miss Kelly before Easter. It is never enough but it’s something. And it’s all I’ve got. And I anxiously await my next sign or visit.

With so much love,

Mommy

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Briana’s couch

Dear Jakey,

I visited with Briana yesterday. And it was fun, just the way it always is. We gossip and chat and laugh and it is just easy. I can never be there without picturing you on her couch. Either sleeping or making those funny faces as Ava, Dean and your brother jumped and acted crazy around you. Anyways, Miss Briana shared with me that you had been visiting. And it made me happy and I know it makes her happy that you come around. The best part is how no one is scared and everyone believes it to be true. Ava even has a way of explaining it that makes it seem normal. Yesterday morning when one of Dean’s trucks was making noise on its own she just said that it must be Jake playing because he knew I was coming over later in the day. I love it. I love how accepting everyone you touched is and how present you still are.

It was especially nice to hear before we went on a JHFH delivery. The little boy we dropped things to reminded both me and Daddy a lot about you. There was a lot of equipment we were familiar with and I could see in Ethan’s face that he felt comfortable. He saw the saline bullets and got excited the way that another 7-year-old boy might be happy to see a toy or sports thing that was familiar. This life is something that all of us knew so intimately and we all miss it. It was something we were all good at. And we miss you.

Ethan told me this morning that maybe you weren’t really dead, maybe you were just in a hospital somewhere. So we talked about you being at Tunison and we talked about your funeral. And still he thought that maybe you snuck out. And then I brought out a book I had bought for him but never gave him. The kids version of “Heaven is for real” and I think it made him happy, which is what I wanted but then I second guessed it and was afraid he would find it weird. I should have known he would appreciate it. We all need to believe that where you are now is fun and warm and beautiful and things like that help.

Love,

Mommy

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Easter Faith

Dear Jakey,

I wish I could say it was getting easier and that my breaks in writing were because I didn’t need to write to you as much. But it’s not true. Especially on this Easter Sunday.  I miss you so much. I miss the silly Easter outfits I would buy you and your bro. And I miss the family pictures. And I miss the bunny ears. And today, our 2nd Easter without you also marks 16 months without you. Losing a kid is sort of like when you first have a kid and you measure everything first in days, then weeks, then months. That is how it is without you. Every day matters. 

Easter is a tough holiday too.And this lenten season was different in so many ways too. We started with Ash Wednesday at a huge Los Angeles church and ended with mass in Canton. And Easter is all about Jesus rising from the dead. And all of these religious passages are everywhere. And I feel like a total cliche and somewhat hypocritical because I need all of it to be true.   My friend Alice posted this:

Your dead shall live; their bodies shall rise. You who dwell in the dust, awake and sing for joy! For your dew is a dew of light, and the earth will give birth to the dead.
~ Isaiah 26:19 ESV.

And Hunter’s mom wrote:

We will live with God forever…the way life is meant to be lived. Death is NOT the end of the story…this is the amazing PROMISE of the empty tomb!! He is Risen! Therefore, we have HOPE!

And I grasp to these words, and try to make sense of them. And I hope they are true and that you are in Heaven celebrating today. With or without bunny ears but with a smile and love.

I can’t stop thinking about you. And how much has changed since you left. I watch your brother and I think how different he is since when you were here. He was 5 when you left us and now he is 7. He is taller and older and has developed such a funny sense of humor. He is quirky and kind and losing teeth. He never stops moving and grooving and it makes me think that you will be 6 in a few weeks. And I can’t picture you at 6. And it makes me sad that I can’t. 

Happy Easter, my favorite little bunny.

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Jakey,

On Valentine’s Day Miss Trish left you a beautiful note and I promised you I would write it for you and I forgot. So here it is, better late than never:

Dear Jakey,

Well buddy, it’s Valentine’s Day today and our hearts are missing you very much. Love is in the air and some of it just seems so silly to me. There are all the news stories about the perfect gift to get your Valentine and how much money the average American will spend on Valentine’s Day this year. It is really kind of sad when you think about it. People are so caught up in the “holiday” aspect of it that they forget what it is supposed to be about. If someone has to tell you how much to spend on a gift based on how long you’ve been together or what to buy for someone you love, you’ve missed the point.

And that’s where you come in my amazing little friend. I am sure that if you were here there would be a headband with bouncy hearts on your adorable little head (and I’d like to think that you are rocking one in Heaven right now) I know you mom and dad would have filled your day with heart treats and decorations as I am sure they did for Ethan today. But at the heart of it all would have been about the real message…LOVE. Pure and simple love! That is what you are all about. That’s what your life and family symbolize. Everyone who knows them and who had the privilege of knowing you understands that and knows what this day is truly about. Your kind heart taught us well and continues to remind me every day of what is truly important.

So I will smother Sydney, Paige, and Alex with extra hugs and kisses today because I know how precious time is. And then I will do it again tomorrow and the next day and the next! I think of how lucky I am to squeeze them tight and I wish that you and your family were snuggling each other too. I miss seeing your little face and watching your mom cuddle you! Stay close to them today so that they can feel you all around. I hope you can feel all the love that we are sending to you today and always.

Happy Valentine’s Day Jakey! We love and miss you very much!

Always and forever,

Miss Trish, Mr. Don, Sydney, Paige and Alex

oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxox

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