in my head

Dear Jakey,

So I dropped of the thank you train. Not sure why because I truly am thankful for a lot but I just had to take a time out. Sometimes it takes a lot out of me to remember to be thankful because even though I know it is important, necessary and helps to keep my spirits up – it is just hard to always be thankful. Sometimes I just want to be mad, feel sorry for myself, feel sorry for Ethan and Daddy and not search so hard for the positive. Not that it is always a search – i know there is so very much to be thankful for each day but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t get stuck in my own head once in a while. But at the end of the day I really can’t be anything but thankful because you chose me to be your mom. 

Love,

Mommy

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25 years

Dear Jakey,

Today I talked to Chels on the phone. It has probably been at least a year and a half since we actually spoke but it was as though we talk everyday. Immediately we were laughing – and Jakey, you know that laugh of mine that is really more of a cackle. It never ceases to amaze me how we just pick up as though we were still 13 and to think of all the memories and shenanigans that we have gotten into over 25 years. 25 years – it is so powerful to think of the length and duration of our friendship. Through high school and all of that drama, through college and those adventures and through all the ups and downs of real life. And to think of the people we were at 13 and how at 38 we are still sort of the same – although I’d like to think we are a little more civilized versions of ourselves.Through lives thousands of miles apart – it still remaining like we are living around the corner from each other.

So, today I am thankful for old friends – I am thankful for Chelsea and all of our memories. I am thankful for the day that she came over years ago and we hung out while you worked with Xavier. And I am thankful for Tuck too and how she got to know you each summer in PI. And for the night she came over and we went through old yearbooks and laughed so hard. And last but not least I am thankful for Super Heather too. That she got to meet you in what turned out to be your last summer. All friends from so long ago yet they make it seem like yesterday.

Love,

Mommy

 

Love,

Mommy

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Gangnam Style

Dear Jakey,

Today I am thankful for the ridiculous – the kind of silly that makes you laugh out loud, no matter what you are doing or who you are with. And several times today I have done just that and it is all in thanks to people you know, people who help keep life light and not so serious. There is a song now that is on the radio all the time called Gangnam Style – it is annoyingly catchy and has a ridiculous dance that goes with it. In the last couple weeks, there have been two references to this song that just make me laugh and I feel like they would make you laugh too. And that is really the best part- when I think of you watching this foolishness from above I just know you are laughing – and I can almost hear that belly laugh from so long ago, the one that stopped for you at 8 months old. And then I can picture that sneer of yours when you just can’t take it anymore – the one you would give me a lot when I embarrassed you with so many kisses.

Anyways, today I am thankful for Mr. Brynczka and Miss Trish. Mr. Brynczka wrote on facebook not too long ago about doing the Gangnam Style dance with Daniel early in the morning. Everytime I hear the song I picture the two of them and I just giggle. And Miss Trish sent me an email about how when she was with Alex visiting you he thought it would be a good idea to sing and dance this particular song at your grave. I picture it and can’t help but laugh. Both of these visuals have given me so much laughter, especially on days when my mood could stand to be improved. And I just know that you are laughing away above us all,and who knows maybe you’re dancing too.

Love,

Mommy

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routine

Dear Jakey,

All day I have been thinking about what to write today – what specifically or who I am thankful for. And the thing is nothing was sticking out and I wasn’t sure what I would write. And then I realized that in and of itself the fact that nothing was sticking out was something to be thankful for. The routine of days, the nothing particularly exceptional, the real everyday life. And I am thankful for all of it. I am thankful for this morning when I started my day working out with friends. I am thankful for the boxing we did that makes me feel strong. I am thankful for the ability to reschedule breakfast with Briana because the place was closed and have an open enough schedule to do so. I am thankful for the ability to stock up on all kinds of goodies for Thanksgiving dinner. I am thankful for the chance to chitchat with friends at pick up and watch Ethan play with his friends.  Every real life detail that id routine I am grateful for and I am grateful that I have been able to find my way enough to plug through my days and sometimes even enjoy them without guilt. And I thank you for helping me get here.

Love,

Mommy

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Kate

Dear Jakey,

Today and yesterday I am so very thankful for Kate. Kate 1 as she has become known to us all. And while I know you already know this, she got married last night. She managed to look exactly like the Kate we all know and love – just even more beautiful and happy. I kept thinking about her relationship with you and I just know you would have loved to have been there. And it made me happy to know that you knew Andrew too. He came over to babysit with Kate that time and I don’t think you puked on him or anything 🙂

Anyways, as Kate starts a new chapter I can’t help but think and be thankful for the incredible impact she has had on our life. I remember when we interviewed her at the old house and I kept asking weird questions because I knew I was supposed to ask a lot of different things but also just knowing that she was the right match for us. And from the beginning she fit in, she always did exactly what I wanted  – which we all know, especially in regards to you, was never easy for others. But she always listened, asked questions and was never afraid of you, even when you puked on her. And she did it all while watching your crazy big brother too and he loved (s) her just as much as you did. And through the years, she gave me and Daddy our date nights back and even the chance to have an overnight or two. I just can’t imagine our life without her.

So, Jakey, as you watch over all of us and let us know you are still with us, be sure to let Kate and Andrew know how happy you are for them and keep them on your watch.

Love,

Mommy

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you

Dear Jakey,

Today is simple. I am thankful for you. I am thankful that you chose me as your mom and daddy as your dad and that you spent 4 years, 7 months, and 4 days with us. I have struggled lately thinking that on your next birthday you will be 7. How can that be? 7 is so big and I wish I knew what you would have looked like and how you would have progressed. Sometimes I can’t even picture it. But I am trying to stay in the positive and in the present. And that means missing you and remembering.

Love,

Mommy

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gratitude

Dear Jakey,

Today I am thankful that I was and continue to be able to be home. I am grateful that our life allows me to take Ethan to school each morning and pick him up each afternoon. I am grateful that his schedule is mine and that while I might complain – he is my priority. Everything I do can be stopped at any moment to pack him a good lunch, go over his homework, read with him, watch Food Network with him, and even nag or yell at him. I am grateful that there is no email, meeting or phone call that is more important than him and while I may zone out on facebook and other crap there really is nothing more important than I need to worry about. And even more so I am grateful that I was able to spend 24-7 with you while you were here.

And for yesterday, I am grateful for cardinals. It had been so long since I saw the cardinal and while I hadn’t really said it out loud, or even to myself, I was getting a little mad. I had come to depend on seeing you around and about. And while seeing you too often made it a little less special and that I probably took it for granted – months without a visit made me scared. And then yesterday was such a bright, crisp morning and Ethan and I called out for you. And I desperately needed to see you. And as we drove away, you flew in front of us and we sat and watched.

Love,

Mommy

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catch up

Dear Jakey,

I am behind a few days so here goes:

#10 – keurigs. Now Jakey, this is a small item but I am thankful none the less. While I agree that it doesn’t make the strongest best coffee around – it makes me a quick good cup and it makes them for me often. And it also makes me whatever flavor I want and the afternoon cups of green tea I have come to appreciate. And I am especially grateful for when they have them in our hotel room.

#11 – this one is a repeat – memories. They played a big part of our weekend in NYC, particularly our trip to the Central Park Zoo. We have always been big fans of this little zoo, partially because of you. A perfectly accessible and easy to navigate gem in the middle of Manhattan without having to make a big time or financial commitment. We were there twice with you and I especially remember out last visit together. And it brings me to another thing I have been thankful for – photos – as I write this I can look up and see the photo we have of the four of us on that last family visit to the zoo. It was a great morning. And yesterday was a great morning too – although I quickly bypassed the photographer because I didn’t want another picture without you.

#12 – Curious George – I am grateful that your brother still enjoys watching him. In an era of totally inappropriate tv shows and kids going up too fast, I am more than happy to watch the crazy shenanigans of one silly monkey.

#13 – rain. Some days I just want it to be grey and rainy. Not every day but I am totally okay with it. Today is a day like that. While I wish I didn’t have to leave the house and could declare it a “home” day like we did when you and E were little, I am still happy for the rain and clouds and dampness. Not every day is bright and sunshiny – literally and figuratively – and I appreciate the dark ones.

Until tomorrow my little peanut,

Mommy

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Post-You Life

Dear Jakey,

Tonight I am grateful for where we are in this post-you life we are trying to lead. This week we went on 4 different deliveries and met 4 different families. All families that I am so proud of us that we were able to help. And not just proud of Daddy and I but proud of our Board of Directors who have come together to create this pretty amazing group all in keeping your spirit alive. And I am thankful for each and every person  who helps us do this. For me there is this selfish need to belong to the world I once knew so well and have come to miss so much and JHFH helps me on so many levels. And since I can’t have you, I am thankful for this.

With so much love,

Mommy

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music

Dear Jakey,

Another day, another statement of thanks. Today I am grateful for music. While it seems generic, I am specifically happy about the memories and feelings music can bring about. Yesterday afternoon I was cooking lasagna and put Bruce Springsteen on Pandora. I was in that kind of mood and frankly sick of most of the stuff we listen to on the radio and out of habit. Well Pandora put together a most random mix of music, many songs that I haven’t really listened to with any regularity since high school. And the memories were nonstop. There was some Led Zeppelin which brought me back to Virginia Beach with Tori and our air guitar days. I could so vividly picture us, down to my white shorts and tye dye.  And then I heard a Tom Petty song that reminded me of Chelsea and her room. We spent so much time there making such big plans and feeling so misunderstood – such typical teen age angst, we thought we knew it all and couldn’t wait to graduate and get out-of-town. And then Bon Jovi which so perfectly brought together old memories and new ones – older friends and newer friends. And the fact is I became overwhelmed with love for so many people who have been a part of my life – some who remain a part and some who are not. Some who even though we have actually spoken in years could pick up right where we left off.  So in just the time it took to make a lasagna, I was reminded of so many great times in life and so many people who I have been and continue to be blessed to know. And many of whom got to meet you too. But even the ones who didn’t know you in person, know you now  and know how amazingly strong and brave you were. I miss you buddy.

Love,

Mommy

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