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Archive for November, 2015

Lost and Found

Dear Jakey,

I still get overwhelmed by the loss in the world. Some days, it seems that no matter where you look people are living in the world of grief. I don’t know the degree to which I noticed it before your death. Of course, I felt the tragedy that others feel when something awful happens, but it was always protected by not really knowing loss in the intimate way I now do. The more time that passes, the more people I know forced to face devastating loss. All the time.

Yesterday, we picked up Sam to bring him to St. Clement’s. Ethan asked him “You know how they say it’s God’s plan? Well then why is God’s plan for all the good people to die?”  It’s so out of character for him to ask these kind of questions that I wasn’t even sure what to say. Although I don’t think it was coincidence that he asked Sam. In his mind they share something unique. It made me realize how deep loss can be and how his life is forever different because he lost you. And he knows so many who also have significant loss. And knows that we talk about it. About Kim. About Sam Calbone. About Michael Hedges.

Your loss has also made me more sensitive than before. When I haven’t seen or heard from people I always go to a bad place and think the worst. It’s a weird space to live in and I manage it well most of the time but sometimes its hard. Ethan and I have been worried about Dennis. We used to see him daily. He too visited his son at Greenridge twice a day. Our schedules were so often the same in the morning. And then nothing for months. And we worried. But today we saw him and we were almost giddy. All of us. And it made me think that when you suffer loss like we have with you, that so many days are unbearably hard. Yet as quickly as they become unbearable they turn around. And today seeing Dennis made some things seem right in our world again.

Love,

Mommy

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