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Archive for November, 2014

Same Old

Dear Jakey,

I started this on Monday and couldn’t get it quite right. And I realized it was because it was a bit too early. I started to write in anticipation of how this time of year makes me feel and the distractions I had in place that I thought might prevent my usual “going into hiding” mode. And then yesterday, it hit me.

I was going about my business when the sadness of this time of year really hit me. And it manifested itself with my unreasonable frustration and annoyance at things that maybe shouldn’t get me quite as fired up. So here I am, missing you as much as ever.  It all leads up to the day that we lost you and I can’t help but remember all those moments before I knew you would be gone – before it was more than just a bad thought that popped in my head on the darkest of nights.

The thing is that I’ve accepted that it will always be hard. I will remember the trips to Boston, I’ll remember the weaning off of Clobazam (now you can get actually get it here, not like when we had to order from Canada) and how awake you were after we got you off that, I’ll remember you riding your fire truck with Xavier and your days at Prospect, I’ll always remember how nervous but then so proud I was when I first left you alone to be fed at Prospect – you were doing so well and I guess that is always what makes this month so hard. There was so many great things that happened and then it always makes me wonder why it had to end.

NowI keep thinking about what you would make of life down here. Ethan is testing for black belt this weekend. He started TKD the month before you died. He started during that month where we thought everything was going pretty well. And he was so little and it was always a challenge to figure out whether Daddy or I would take him since we couldn’t bring you.And now for the most part we both try to be at every class. It still seems so odd to me that you never saw Ethan at TKD. I wonder what you think of who he is now. I have always connected his TKD with you in a way that I can’t really explain and in a way that I don’t think makes sense to anyone but me.

The next few weeks bring lots of emotion. And people who will tell me they understand when they don’t. And that’s all fine because I know people handle it all in their own ways. It doesn’t always make it easier for me but I know I have you on my side. I hate to wish time away but I am focused on getting to Montreal with Daddy and Ethan. And all the memories and traditions we have there. I may not be out of the fog until then.

With love,

Mommy

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Gratitude

Dear Jakey,

I write to you today from a happy place, a truly happy place. Today has been an extraordinarily good day for me. And not for anything particularly exciting just from a sense of contentment in all aspects of my life. I guess I often find myself feeling good about some things I am doing but then can always find the negative and I focus on the things I didn’t get done. My to do list can seem endless and that it grows longer without ever-growing shorter. Yet, today I found the good in all of it. Maybe because for the first time in what has felt like forever we saw the cardinal a bunch this week. I feel like you and I were out of sync and now we are back. The day started with Ethan and I playing one of our favorite songs louder at the grave. We blasted out a little Ed Sheeran for you and then you were there. For the first time in too long, we enjoyed the moment. And maybe that helped get the day going well.

Today was a busy JHFH day. Marc and I went to a new family that was awesome. Awesome in so many ways. And then I met with another family and handled some business on the phone as well. As I spoke with Linda, she told me she was talking to you last night too. She talked to you about how thankful she was that you were such an amazing kid that you caused the kind of inspiration that made Daddy and I do the work we do and the Board do the work they do. It’s hard to explain how that made me feel.  And when I told her she made my day I meant it.

It’s not unusual to have good JHFH days but it isn’t always that I have good personal days. Or maybe I don’t always take the time to appreciate the good. And I don’t only appreciate it today but I am grateful for it. At TKD today we worked on tournament prep. You know me well enough to know that those moments typically make me anxious and crazy. But somehow today I felt okay. And I was grateful for Tam (who I don’t think you even ever met) for making me better and making me more prepared so that I can be stronger for Ethan.

So often we see bad things happen to good people and it can make things overwhelming. Yet today so many things made me see the good, even in the bad. The world cares. It cares about the loss of you, it cares about terrible things that happen and it wants to help. It feels good to be surrounded by a community that cares. Often, for me, all that good is dimmed by the loss of you. Today you helped me see things brighter. Thanks Jakey.

Love,

Mommy

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