Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for December, 2012

after the fact

Dear Jakey,

Sometimes I let time pass between letters because I seem to keep waiting for the just right time and the just right letter to write. Not another sad one, not another mad one and not another overly optimistic one. And then I realize, that like with all things, there never is a just right time. Nothing is ever just right because life continues to go on and that perfect moment in time doesn’t exist. And often you don’t know you are in that moment until after the fact. So, once again, in no particular order I share with you my thoughts on life without you.

We spent the last weekend in Montreal. It was like we had hoped it would be – quiet and low-key with plenty of memories of you. Something about Montreal, particularly Old Montreal is so filled with memories of you. And we went down to the Old Port to ice skate and saw so many families together with moms pushing kids in strollers right on the ice. We all thought about how great it would have been to have been able to do that with you, but we ran out of time and I think it made us all feel a little down – because it represented so much more that we would never do as a family of four. While we were skating, Ethan was happy and talking about how much fun we were having and the he talked about how the only thing that would make it better is if you were with us. None of us can escape that simple fact – that life would be better, happier, more complete with you still here. And sometimes we just need to say it out loud.

And then I think of what happened down here on Friday. So many kids died and so many people are so broken-hearted. And I think about the two kids who died in the car accident a couple weeks ago. And I think of the randomness of both of these events – of the vulnerability and lack of control we really have to take care of each other. And selfishly, it makes me crazy to think of losing Ethan or Daddy. I already lost you and know I couldn’t survive another loss like this. I can barely survive this one. I think of the families of all those left here on Earth and I think about their future. And the fact that their lives will never be the same, that they will have to carve out a way to keep going and that they will never shine quite as bright as they did before. That there is just no way to have the same kind of life.

So, Jakey, we miss you so very much. It doesn’t seem real that it has been 2 years, 8 days since I last snuggled you. Happy Sunday.

Love,

Mommy

Read Full Post »

Haze

Dear Jakey,

¬†These days leading up to the 8th are so incredibly emotional and so lost in some intense memories that I am pretty much in a fog. And what strikes me the most is how different it is than last year. I was so worried and anxious to get over the 1 year hump last year that I don’t think I was at all prepared for what the 2 year hump would be like. In fact, I don’t think I really thought there would be a hump. But there is. And it is so hard without you.

I have come to realize that those last memories with you, those things that seemed like real life but now have so much more significance because they ended up being your last will be what I remember. It hit me hardest at Thanksgiving time because I couldn’t remember much about Thanksgiving 2011 but could remember almost everything of Thanksgiving 2010. I remember those details from your last Thanksgiving vividly. I can picture you on the couch, which is no longer ours, with the reindeer ears on. I can picture you sitting at Prime for dinner in your handsome sweater – the one you wore when we buried you. And I can picture how brave and strong you were in that spica cast, even though I know you were frustrated as hell.

The continued impact of your loss leaves me a little shaken too. There are just so many ways that we need to continue to come to terms with this so called new normal. The way me and Daddy interact, the way me and Ethan interact and just the way I interact with others in general. And just trying to be a good, not totally pissed off person continues to be hard and I am not sure I am doing very well lately. It is not really anger anymore but just having to listen to the constant voice in my head reminding me that we are all different and therefore what we find is hard is different.

But I keep thinking of you. And the way you lived your life. And I remember your bravery through it all and I realize that I need to suck it up. And I need to work on the relationships with those I love that are still here. And I guess I just want you to know how much you mean to me. And I know that you know I am struggling because I have gotten the signs from you. I really have and they have helped. And I guess I just remain thankful for you and wish our time together on Earth was much much longer.

Love,

Mommy

 

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: