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Archive for August, 2011

Drops of Jupiter

Dear Jakey,

I just now got so overwhelmed that you are gone that I had to come write you immediately. I was in the office with my ipod practicing Drops of Jupiter, laughing at how horrible I sound and wondering how some people can be so talented and some so miserably untalented! And as I was belting it out, I saw the bulletin board with lots of pictures – some of my favorites. And I saw us at the Epilepsy Walk in DC and it made me sad that we won’t do that trip as a family again, well not as a whole family. And I saw the one from the restaurant where we surprised G-Pa in NYC and I remembered that I think it was on that train ride that your femur started acting up. And then I saw the pictures I hung up yesterday that were of me, Daddy and Ethan in Disney and then of me, Ethan, Daddy and Sarena in San Francisco and I realized that you will never be in another picture with us again. And from the very moment you left us that has been impossible for me to deal with. So much so that I reluctantly photograph anything else. If you can’t be part of it, I’d rather not have the picture. It just emphasizes how gone you are.

So my little peanut, I love you so very much. I miss you a ton. And I hope you will enjoy watching Daddy and I as bride and groom tomorrow in Congress Park.

Love,

Mommy

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Impact

Dear Jakey,

There are times when I just don’t think I can possibly miss you more. I am in the midst of one of those times now. I wonder if I will ever really get used to you being gone. And I don’t think I can. And I have said it before, I am pretty sure that I don’t want to. But sometimes it just seems almost impossible to move forward. Times like this past weekend. Uncle Steve and Auntie Spunky were here for Travers weekend. And Ethan stayed with Abue and G-Pa. And we had a lot of fun – lots of silly, goofy fun. And for some of that time it was really easy to forget. But then it is almost harder because when I remember – which is usually in the middle of the night, it just seems so bad all over again. So devastating and so hard and as I lay in bed I just close my eyes so tight wishing that I could feel you against my skin again. And no matter how long I wait or want, the outcome never changes. You are always still gone.

Last week you got a letter from Miss Briana. She left it at your grave and before I even opened the envelope I knew it was her. On the outside it said “Jake, Jake, Jake”. She knew you from back in the day when you were just a super tiny peanut and I used to sing the Jake song to you. You probably remember it. Anyways,  it isn’t just me that misses you so very much. This is what she wrote:

Dear Jake,

I’ve been meaning to write to you for over 8 months and I am ashamed to say that every time I start my words become a jumbled mess. I want to write to you the way your mommy does. She (and your daddy and Ethan) are incredibly strong – they exhibit a strength that I cannot imagine, and have to deal with a loss that I cannot fathom. I know you are proud of what your mommy and daddy have done in your honor. We all are. I would do anything to be able to take away even a little bit of their pain away.

Jake, I want you to know that you are loved and missed and that you are missed every single day. I’m leaving this cardinal for you. I am always looking for signs of you and would love to see your cardinal again. I have seen it a few times in our lilac bushes and I feel that this is you. I miss seeing you on my couch, little buddy. You are loved, missed and never forgotten.

All our love,

Briana & family

Jakey – it is all so true. I have been thinking a lot about how you have forever impacted so many people. Aunt Cheryl wrote me a note yesterday about you and how she is dedicating her next year of grad school to you. She knows you will make sure she has the strength to persevere through what will surely be a difficult year. You taught us all so much and you taught us all with eloquence and grace. I don’t know how you did it.

With so much love,

Mommy

 

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photos

Dear Jakey,

Some days just are so hard without you here. I worked on some photo books today – got two done. It will take some time to get caught up but I am feeling the need to do this before school starts. Sometimes I feel guilty taking pictures now because it just reminds me that I will never be able to take your picture again. It makes me so sad to think that the pictures we have around of you are the only ones we will ever have – we will never have another new picture of you again. And it makes me not want any new pictures of anyone else. I don’t want time to pass. I just wish I could freeze everything – but then that doesn’t really help either because sometimes I just want time to go fast so that I can see you again. The whole thing is too much. I read the newsletters from Brave Will and Super Jake and the facebook updates from Jill Kelly and I just think about all the mommies who miss their brave little boys. It just sucks. I miss you so very much my little buddy. I wish you were here and it just isn’t the same without you.

Love,

Mommy

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back and forth

Dear Jakey,

We got home today. And of course the first we did was go see you. As we were approaching, I couldn’t help but be so sad. And it caught me off guard. I spent so much time thinking about leaving home, about going to Plum Island and being there without you. And was so anxious. The weird thing about life now is that I always forget is it takes just as much, maybe even more to adjust to returning home without you. It is like a harsh wake up call each and every time we drive back into Saratoga Springs from anywhere and we have to visit you at Greenridge. It doesn’t matter if it is a big trip or small trip. I don’t know how to really explain it other than the depth and permanence of it all just hits harder returning home. You are so missed in every singly detail of life here that there is no real getting used to it or adjusting to it. Today just solidifies that everything we do forever just requires us to move back and forth between the new reality we are forced to live in and our old reality that we just want back.

Love,

Mommy

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PI

Dear Jakey,

Bittersweet does not even begin to describe this week here at Plum Island. I can’t thank you enough for your visit Sunday morning – having not seen sight of another cardinal since then I truly believe  that it was you coming to assure me that being here was right. I was so worried at the idea of coming here without you and how it would feel. I was right in thinking that you are so utterly wrapped up in this place but it felt just right being here. I can’t imagine that I even thought for a minute going somewhere else would be a better choice. And I know Daddy felt it too. Our house this year was perfect – the best one yet and the one we will continue to rent until we have our own. We talked about how to figure out how to get a second home and what we would need to do to make it happen. We both figured it was something we wanted to do and our excited at the prospect. And even more excited that you approve.

It is hard to believe the week is over. It was perfect but too short. Sarena is already at the airport right now, getting ready to go home. Ethan is still sleeping and I am almost all packed. I feel like with the end of vacation we are so quickly approaching the end of summer. Only a couple of weeks left before school starts up and Ethan is in first grade. That seems so much bigger to me than Kindergarten. But I can’t help but think you would have been starting Kindergarten. And how important that would be. I just miss you so damn much Jakey. And no matter how much we plug along and find ways to be happy – it just is so hard without you here.

Ethan is in tae kwon do camp next week – everyday for the whole day. I am finally going to put together the photo books. After what happened I found myself stuck at July 2010 and not quite able to get them done and caught up. But I am going to spend the majority of Monday and Tuesday doing them. No plans otherwise. I need to do them, as hard as it will be – we need them. We need to look at pictures of our life – especially our life with you.

Sending you more love than you can imagine,

Mommy

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sleep

Dear Jakey,

I have been watching Ethan sleep for the last few days. His lips start to pout and he looks so incredibly peaceful. It has stopped me in my tracks for about a week and it wasn’t until Saturday morning that I figured out what it is. He always looked cute sleeping but now he has almost taken on your look. I used to wake up sometimes and just stare at you, trying so hard to not move a muscle so that you could stay still. Peaceful sleep wasn’t easy to come by for you and you could always tell when you were there – your didn’t twitch or move at all and you just looked perfect, absolutely beautiful. I miss that. I miss my arm and shoulder going numb because you would fall asleep on it. Anyways, your brother has somehow adopted your look when he sleeps and I find myself staring, unable to look away.

We are at our new house in PI. When we got close on Saturday, your puzzle was going nuts. I think it was you telling us you were glad we were here. And then on my run yesterday morning, the cardinal flew directly in front of me. It just about took my breath away. And it helped me run faster – I couldn’t wait to get home and tell Daddy. It is raining today and I kind of like it. Rainy days at the beach have their own benefit. And while I don’t want more than one, I am happy for today. I miss you my little peanut, so very much.

Lots of love,

Mommy

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kids

Dear Jakey,

What a week, my little man. I miss you so much through all of it. This week has been hard, and I had a bunch of those times when I think about last year. Sarena is here and it makes me think of the things we did last summer. And things we did this week which we wouldn’t have been able to do last summer. We went to the horse sales Tuesday night with Heath and Jeff. And as I met and talked with people I really struggled with when people ask about my kids. It is like I get myself backed against a wall because they ask about my kids and how many and I say two. And then they ask ages and I say 6 and 5. And then is where it starts getting hairy because when they start talking about how busy they must keep me or ask if they are close it begins to start to feel like I am lying. And then there is my tattoo, which I still haven’t had the dates put on. People ask about it, I tell them it is for you and what it means. And then I end up saying you died. And no matter how it comes out, it is hard and awkward and in all honesty, more than most people want to know. Like the poor people I met and told at the sales. And when I ended up telling them, I felt so bad. I felt bad that it was true and I felt bad that I had to be the bearer of such news. And most of all it just sucks because I still have moments each day when I forget or when I don’t think it is true. And when I say it out loud it is so true and so real. And I don’t like that.

Tomorrow we leave for Plum Island. I feel like I need a week away more than ever. I need quiet and to be away from home. It will be weird without you there. I know you will be all around, at least I hope you will. Jakey, I hope you know how much I miss you down here. Even though 8 months has passed, it still seems way too unreal and still just takes my breath away. It seems as though the waves have been rougher lately for me. They have been so hard –  my chest tightens and I can’t catch my breath. I miss you so very much. I love you buddy.

Love,

Mommy

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