Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for February, 2011

clouds

Dear Jakey,

Short note this morning buddy. We were all missing you extra last night it seemed. When we went to say goodnight, it just seemed sadder. Maybe it was just me but I feel like everyone felt it. Anyways, Ethan looked up and found the passage to Heaven – which we look for every visit. Just to make sure we know where you are. He likes it when he finds it before anyone of us. As we were leaving, Ethan got so excited when he looked up and said that the clouds spelled Jakey. Now I know that sometimes it is a matter of seeing what you want to see or even in this case, what you need to see. But while I couldn’t see all the letters as clearly as Ethan, I most certainly saw a big J in the clouds. It put a smile on all of our faces as we went home. It never gets easier to be here without you, in fact in gets harder. We are approaching three months buddy. But, thank you for your signs and efforts to remind us you are near. It helps. Know that I miss you more than anyone can imagine and that I don’t think I will ever be whole again. Until I see you again that it is.

Love,

Mommy

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

life

Dear Jakey,

I keep having these weird thoughts. It is like I get mad that life is going on. All around me. And I sometimes just wish it wouldn’t. Or I wish we could rewind. Last night, Ethan, Daddy and I were all snuggling on the couch and I just missed you so much. I wanted you there. And it seems sad to feel that way during every happy family moment, but it is true. I always seem to catch myself being happy or somewhat normal and then I am reminded of what is missing and I am so sad all over again. I think it just may be the way life is now.

Roland and Dan made me a beautiful necklace charm with your hand print on it. And the thing is that it is so clearly your hand. It is amazing how I feel like I knew every inch of you so well, and the way your hand fell on me when you slept is a picture I will never lose or I hope I will never lose. I get scared now that with passing time things aren’t as clear anymore. Your hand print on a charm is such an amazing gift. I wish you knew them Jakey. They were so kind and helpful and really made sure everything went the best it could. I guess you knew them but I just wish it was different.

We’re going to Disney, Jakey. In less than a week. I know you know but I have been hesitant to talk with you about it. While I am so excited for Ethan, I sort of don’t want to go. Everything about it is a reminder that you are gone. Flying on a plane with Daddy AND Ethan – we haven’t done that since we all went to Argentina. And by all it means you too. It doesn’t seem right to do it without you. And I believe you will be there and I know everyone thinks its great that we are going, but at this moment I don’t really care what anyone has to say or that your spirit is with me or that you are in Heaven. Because I really just want to be your Mommy on Earth again. I don’t want to be missing you so much and I don’t want every moment of happiness to be followed by terrible sadness. I just want you laying next to me on the couch this morning and  I want to be giving you keto cal and I want my life back.

Love,

Mommy

Read Full Post »

last smell

Dear Jakey,

I miss you so much buddy. It is always weird to me the overall finality of death. I think if people really understood it, then they would behave so differently. And I guess you can only really understand it when you experience it because I always thought I knew, but the fact is I had no idea. Even with the thoughts of an eternal future in Heaven or multiple lives, life as you know it now on Earth is forever gone when you die. Forever. If people knew that they would be much kinder, less stupid and would truly not worry about such small, inconsequential things. And I know I could benefit from my own words. Like yesterday when Ethan was helping me with laundry. I separated my cashmere sweaters and he was just not really paying attention. I told him to leave them alone, they were for the dry cleaners. And then after we started the wash and I went to go put them with the dry cleaning stuff I saw they were gone. He had put them in with the jeans and t-shirts. And then I noticed he had put your shirt in, the one you wore to the hospital, the one they cut open, the one you died in. And the only thing I had left that still sort of smelled like you. Daddy said I should have kept it somewhere else but I didn’t. I wanted it there because I passed there all the time and I liked it there. I could grab it and hug it and smell you. And now I can’t. It broke my heart and pissed me off. And that is what I mean about finality. I will never even come close to smelling you again. Once that shirt came out of the wash, all I smelled was tide. And there are no second chances. But I can’t do a damn thing about it so I there is no point in staying mad. And I guess if I close my eyes tight and picture you laying on my arm I can try to smell you – keto breath and all. But it is not the same and I just miss you so much.

Love,

Mommy

Read Full Post »

bittersweet again

Dear Jakey,

We had such a lovely time here in Qgunquit. A truly perfect day yesterday. We woke up to fresh snow which made Ethan’s day. We saw the bird eating outside. Mommy got to go to the outlets and pick up a few things. And Ethan and Daddy played in the snow the entire time – it was perfect for everyone. I went to all the stores I wanted for the first time in a long time without a feeling of being rushed and Ethan got to play in the huge piles of snow he always has dreamed about! After we finished the weather was really quite beautiful – super cold but beautiful skies and lots of sun. The beach was beautiful – something about the beach with snow on the sand is just cool. We ate lunch right on the water with a beautiful view. And in the middle of the lunch it hit Daddy and I that this type of day would never have happened with you on Earth. And we both teared up. Because as great as it was, the cost we have had to pay to enjoy it is just too damn high. And it is a very weird feeling as a parent  being happy that you could provide something for one son that you couldn’t have  with the other son. And I am sure most parents think they understand but the fact is it was just very different. Because a lot of times it was almost entirely about you.  My job was to keep you on that schedule and eat when you were supposed and move when you were supposed to and there wasn’t really a lot of flexibility. And now there is. So, I use the word bittersweet again. Bittersweet because we had a beautiful family mini-vacation but at the same time are desperately missing a huge piece of our family.

We love you so very much. We leave this morning – with a stop at MGH to see Dr. Thiele and Heidi. I am excited to see them but anticipate that it will be hard, although I am trying to be very focused on the good – we will figure out where all the money raised on behalf of you will be used. I am so very proud of you my peanut!

See you later with love and kisses,

Mommy

Read Full Post »

quiet time

Dear Jakey,

We are in Ogunquit – at the Fun Zone. We have been working so very hard on foundation stuff and it is nice to be someplace where we can do that. We worked the whole ride up here and have plowed through so much more stuff this morning. We have written applications, drafted rubrics and sponsorships forms. Now I have some letters to write. I am having a difficult time, even though most of it is written – it just always ends up starting with how you earned your angel wings and that my dear, stinks!

When we arrived here yesterday afternoon, Ethan was so excited. He was really looking forward to this mini-vacation. And he looked out the back windows and saw that there were two different bird feeders. He told Daddy that they would help you find us here. We all felt pretty good about it. And then this morning we were sitting here in the living room – Ethan watching Dinosaur Train and Daddy and I working on your foundation – and there you were. Hanging out on the bird feeder, eating some breakfast and playing in the snow. It is as close as we can get to you now so we all believe, or try to.

With so much love,

Mommy

 

Read Full Post »

hodge podge

Dear Jakey,

First, I have to give a big shout-out to your Auntie Spunky. She was here right after the shit hit the fan and sometime in those immediate days she gave me a poem. Now I remember appreciating it but then everything was such a blur and so weird that I don’t think I really gave it time to resonate. A few weeks later ,Abue sent it to me too and still, I didn’t spend a lot of time with it. Anyways, fast forward to recently and all I can think about is that poem. All sorts of stuff happened this week. I told you about Kate’s puzzle on Tuesday. But on other days things were happening too. I have always thought it odd that there are so many birds at your grave – so many different types, so many singing and flying – don’t they know they are supposed to go south for winter??? Anyways, on more than on occasion I have noticed that when I get out of the car, many start to sing. And when I leave there is usually one that flies across my path – sometimes I think it is the same one. And then one afternoon just Sarena and I were visiting and the entire time there was one bird on the very top of the evergreen tree and it just looked at us. We both felt it was you. And when we were driving away, we both turned back to look and the bird had turned to watch us too. And last night, outside our house Daddy saw a bird sitting on the tree a few times and he was always still and didn’t fly away when Ethan was his crazy self. And aspects of this poem kept creeping into my brain. And I believe it now with all my heart and soul. I need it to be true and since I can’t have you here, I try to find comfort in the birds and the other signs I see when I am quiet enough to notice. This is the poem:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush.

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave bereft

I am not there. I have not left.

Jakey, I will try to always keep this in mind. Even when it is so tough – like last night. Last night was filled with lots of those “little things” moments – we were in a restaurant and a Daddy walked by with a sleeping boy. He was carrying him the way we carried you and his hand was tucked under the way yours always did. And Jakey, the sight of that hand took my breath away and I hate to fight back the tears. They were right there and a few came out but I had to hold it together. And it was hard and so very sad. And then we went to the Phantoms game at the Glens Falls Civic Center. And Jakey, that was where Daddy was when he got my panicked call that you had stopped breathing and when I told him that I thought you were already dead. Imagine getting that call ? I can’t imagine being at the receiving end of that. And having to rush out of there with G-Pa. An equally terrible kind of hell. And anyways we sat there last night and I kept looking as to where he might have been sitting when he got that call. And which way he might have left. And it just broke my heart all over again – for you, for Daddy, for Ethan, for Abue and G-Pa, for me  and for all.

Just know my lovebug – how very much you are loved and how very much you are missed. You have taught so many people so many things and you have made me opened my eyes to the goodness and kindness of others. Kristin left me some flying wish papers and Ethan and I will be trying them out soon – maybe even as letters to you. Alice, who was one of Mommy’s dearest friends in college, and never got to meet you in person – she saw you at the services – sent me a beautiful bracelet with a poem about how you will be My Forever Child – I will share with you the poem soon. But you are My Forever Child and my heart breaks when I think about how I have to wait to see you again but I am trying to hold strong and believe that we will all be together again and in Ethan’s words – “be a real family again in Heaven”.

Until then, my never-ending love,

Mommy

Read Full Post »

buddies

Dear Jakey,

I have really felt you around the last few days I think – both directly and indirectly. The mail of the last two days has brought some pretty special surprises for me – from Mindy’s letter and Judy’s card to yesterday’s Valentine’s for you! Yes, you heard me right. You got a package from Beth at Prospect yesterday. It had a beautiful card to you:

Jakey,

I love and miss you so much baby boy! I know you’re running and probably eating all kinds of stuff thats bad for you! (like cookies:-))Logan and Zander say hi and Happy Valentine’s Day. Everyone at school misses you. I think about you every day.

Happy Valentine’s Day Jakey S.

Love you bunches,

Beth

And you know that I am not always a big card person – but the outside of her card was just perfect. It said:

Sometimes

when I’m thinking of you,

I wonder

if you might be

thinking of me too,

right at

the very same moment,

and it makes me smile,

knowing that we always have

our thoughts

to keep us close.

 

That is so perfect. And it is why I write to you, my guy. When I wrote to you when you were here with me, I always thought it was our secret way of understanding each other and now I am so grateful because I have to believe it transcends it all and you still know what I am saying to you.

The best part about the package you got was that you got Valentines and drawings from Logan and Zander. They were so awesome and such a great surprise that once again I found myself sobbing. I am so grateful for those days in November I spent at your school. At the time they brought me such joy and I remember writing to you about how much I enjoyed your school and your friends. Lunch time with you guys was the best. And I often think about Logan and Zander because they really loved you. In Room 1 you were all friends and I bet you miss them too. How can you not miss Logan running to greet you everyday and shouting out with happiness that ” JJ’s here!”.

When I sent Daddy a text about your package, he wrote back “He was loved by many”. I know that is true, but it still makes me so proud and grin ear-to-ear because you were and are such an amazing little boy. I can’t imagine I have survived the last ten weeks without you, exactly ten weeks ago I woke up and you were here but when I went to bed you weren’t. Not sure how I will survive the rest of time but day by day I will, and with your help I can do it.

Love and hugs – big, bear hugs,

Mommy

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

%d bloggers like this: