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Archive for December, 2014

4 years

Dear Jakey,

So today’s the day. A pit in my stomach arrives at some point before this day comes. And then the day comes and for the last four years we have spent this time away. The first year we went to Lake Placid and the following years we have come to Montreal where we are now. Both places are so wrapped in you that they both feel right. Today I took myself for a run. I really didn’t want to but I wanted some alone time with you and I figured that might be the best way to do it. I ran past the Embassy where we always stayed with you. I ran by Notre Dame and by the Science Museum and by the street with the Italian restaurant we took you too. And by the steak restaurant we had take-out from while watching the Derby for your 4th birthday. And by the waterfront where you and I would sit while Daddy and Ethan played catch or tried to get some kites to fly. I love the memories and the moments.  And I loved that when I wanted to quit you kept me running in the morning’s blistery cold.

I always think that this day is the day to get through and then it will be better. But it really is just the beginning, at least this year. This night is worse than the day. I feel like as I write this is just about the time you left us. And I feel like am on the outside looking in of the entire night from when I yelled to Ethan to call 911 all the way through when they told us you were gone. And everything in between – watching them work on you, seeing the priest come in and just you lying there. And those are the pictures that came up on time hop today. And I wonder why I took pictures. I think because I didn’t believe it was real.

But we have some tough days left – the memories of spending the days and nights at Tunison. And getting used to that and thinking that was okay – that we could hang out with you still. And then having to bury you. And that might have been the absolute worst moment of all. I still don’t know how I walked away and left you there.

We leave Montreal in the morning and will be back in Saratoga and real life. Ethan to school, Daddy to work and I hope the Mardi Gras invites will arrive on time.  We have our Make A Difference Event at Vapor tomorrow night and I will speak a few words about you. It keeps us all going. And we keep busy. And life keeps us going. But it still sucks always, and especially these days. These days its hard not to be consumed by it all.

I miss you and can’t wait to see you again,

Mommy

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Blurred Lines

Dear Jakey,

As we quickly approach December 8th I find myself more and more in a daze. The line between happy and sad, between productive and not, between angry and weepy, silly and mopey is all so grey. Blurred Lines. When I was out today I heard that song which is about an entirely different type of blurred line and I don’t particularly like it, yet it put that phrase in my head. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it all day. It just seemed to fit.

A week ago or so I felt different. I was lost in good memories. Lost in remembering those amazing days and weeks before you died. When you seemed so awake and when you had so many good days. When you cried and whimpered instead of being numb from all the meds. When you rode the fire truck with Xavier. Even when you broke your femur, you had such strength. I remember the letter I wrote you after our day at MGH when Dr. Grottkau cast you. It was our family love story and that is one of the things I miss the most – the way we (the three of us left on Earth) could surround you and do the right thing for you when you needed us to. And how integral a part of it Ethan was in your care. And I worry that sometimes he forgets that – that the memories for him aren’t as clear as they are for me and Daddy.

Speaking of Ethan, he did his black belt test. I know you know it because nothing made me happier (and Ethan too) than seeing the cardinal at the grave that morning. It’s almost like I could breathe again. And it felt like you were sending him your support. And then when we left Saturday night after he had his belt ceremony and dinner we all saw the decorative cardinal sitting outside Massage at Saratoga. Ethan actually thought I put it there for him. And I think Daddy did too. Apparently they think I am a little crazier than I am. Anyways, to me it’s just another clear sign that you are here with us. And while that makes it easier, it’s still not enough. Especially today. Today I just want you back more than ever. And I want to simultaneously stop time AND make it move faster. Another blurred line.

I miss you so much buddy. I keep trying to picture you as an 8-year-old boy and the image doesn’t stick. I don’t really have one. I have the pictures from my dreams but it’s just not enough. At least not today.

Love,

Mommy

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