I see you!

Dear Jakey,

Life doesn’t get any easier without you. I keep thinking it will but it doesn’t. We just got back from another trip. We went to see Sarena and spent the weekend with her in San Francisco and then we went to Las Vegas. On our very first night we landed in San Jose, got our car and went to the Doubletree we stay at near the airport. We were spending the night there before we got Sarena in the morning and took off to San Fran. Anyways, we were exhausted and were finally making our way to our room. As we approached the elevator a man held open the door for us. The three of us walked in and he still paused and then looked out. He seemed confused and said he thought he saw another little one. It made me smile that even if for just a second, someone saw us as a family of four again, the way that I still see us. The idea that you might have been there, enough for someone to see something is something I believe. I think you were there and while I couldn’t see you, some guy could. And he was there at the right time. And while it may sound crazy, I am fine with crazy.  And because of that I think we had one of our finest family trips. I didn’t think about how the reason we were all traveling together now was because you were gone, although it is never far from my mind. Instead I thought about you with us. And even though it isn’t the way I would have hoped I’ll take it. And this morning we finally made it back home.  Daddy went with Ethan to baseball practice to help out and I decided to walk over before it ended  to watch a little and as I walked down Lake Ave, there you flew in front of me. And I really felt like you came round trip with us. And for now that is enough.

Love,

Mommy

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change

Dear Jakey,

I had one of those moments yesterday when I was thinking about how much has changed when since you left us and it all feels so strange. Ethan had tkd last night and then I took the adult class after him. Ethan is getting ready to test for recommended brown and it blew me away to think he was 5 when he started taking TKD. He is such a big guy now and it is hard to think of him at 5. And it always gets me thinking that a month after he started you died. And now that I am taking it too it just makes me think of all the things that have changed and it makes me sad. Tonight when we stopped by Mama Mia’s before class Ethan grabbed a bottle of Sprite Zero and he talked about how it was your favorite and how he used to steal it from you. And it brought back all those memories of our daily life and how much I have forgotten. I can’t even remember the name of that clear med we had to get compounded and give you so much of everyday when you were on the keto diet. The one that we mixed with 10 or 20 ml of Sprite Zero to cut the bitterness. I can’t believe I can’t remember.

There are so many memories that flood my mind everyday and so many of them are great but I still can’t escape the night you broke your femur. I think of that most mornings when I still wake up at 2:00. And I remember your cry and I hate to say it but I miss even that so much. And the feel of your cheek. Something about that cheek of yours just makes me miss you so much.

I know that life goes on. And I know I am doing a decent enough job of plugging along and moving forward. But at the end of the day I am still not sure how to keep plugging along for so many more years, how to keep watching your brother grow, how to keep making plans and traveling and living. I just wish it was all the way it was. With you here.

Love,

Mommy

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