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Archive for February, 2012

crabby

Dear Jakey,

I have been very crabby. No particular reason, just very irritable. I think the only thing that would make it better would be sitting on the couch with you on my lap, feeding you your ketogenic avocado and eggs and watching the housewives of somewhere. Watching them without you to chat about them is boring. I miss you so very much.

Love,

Mommy

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Dear Jakey,

As I was leaving your grave tonight I was laughing about all the silly names we have for you. In no particular order, here are some:

  1. Jake-a-licious
  2. Jake-a-saurus
  3. Jakey-poo
  4. Jakester
  5. peanut
  6. The Master
  7. little buddy
  8. Jake-a-roni
  9. Rock Star

I am sure there are more. I miss you buddy!

Love,

Mommy

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Home

Dear Jakey,

We are home from California. We were there for what seemed like forever. It was a very fun vacation but also very symbolic. While we have certainly traveled since you were gone there was something about this trip and all that we did that made it just seem so different. And I felt the way that I sometimes felt when you were here on Earth – like I was split into two people: Ethan’s Mommy and Jake’s Mommy. This vacation was all about planning a trip for Ethan (and Sarena) and the fact is it never would have happened with you here on Earth. That never was far from my heart and it why I couldn’t stop to write. I know you understood. I know we talked even more than usual but I couldn’t just stop and write because I felt like it was switching modes. And as the days passed I didn’t like feeling so disconnected but I made peace with it. I made peace because for me it was too hard to go back and forth so I tried to stay in the moment and enjoy vacation. As we got closer and closer to getting home, a big chunk of me just couldn’t wait until we got here. I just wanted to go see you and get back to our routine. And I felt better the moment we got to your grave.

With love,

Mommy

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So Jakey, I didn’t keep my daily 5 promise. Not sure what happened and I won’t make excuses but I am sorry. Miss Trish wrote you the most beautiful letter on Valentine’s Day and I wanted to write it to you but didn’t. And now I have to wait until we get back home. And you got a bunch of valentine’s at your grave which always makes me feel happy. Both of your girls were there competing for you attention 🙂

Anyways, we are in San Diego with Sarena. We flew out Friday and she came down from San Jose yesterday. We have a bunch of fun stuff planned for the next few days and then we have a few chill days in LA. I have had so many moments with you lately though and it makes me think of living out the rest of our lives without you. Early this morning Ethan came into our bed. He snuggled up against me and I could feel every move he made. It made me think of my nights with you when your head would rest on my arm and I felt every twitch and seizure. And I would squeeze you tight when you needed it and I would pray that they wouldn’t wake you. I could almost feel you next to me while I thought about it. And on the plane ride over we were watching old videos on my computer. And it is so wonderful yet so hard to watch you in them. At a certain point I just can’t wrap my head around watching you live and breathe.

I won’t let so much time go again my buddy. Know that I think about you, feel you and miss you every passing second of the day.

Love,

Mommy

 

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Happy Valentine’s Day my sweet Jake!  I feel pretty good about your decorations. Ethan and I were at your place – decking it all out on Friday morning and we were both so thrilled to see the cardinal there watching. The wind has wrecked some havoc on the stuff so we will take it all down tomorrow but at least you know we’re thinking of you. We decided to go to the connection tonight for dinner after TKD as our family Valentine’s dinner. Daddy and I have our craving for the cheesy and saucy mexican food but I also think you may have played a role in our decision. We haven’t been in a long time and for the longest time it was the only place we went with you. It feels right going there tonight.

And I got my new ring today. It is beautiful – not hugely different from my other one but still different. It makes me sad that you’ve never seen it. It feels weird to have it be something else, something that you don’t know.

Hope you guys are having a super fun bash celebrating Hunter’s birthday in Heaven.

XOXO,

Mommy

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Dear Jakey,

I am sitting in a hotel in Providence tonight. Daddy is in the bathroom and Ethan is watching a show about fishing. We spent a few hours at Aunt Shirley’s and Uncle John’s and visited with your family. We are staying the night in a hotel near the Hilton which we stayed in two summers ago with you when we were up for Jasmine’s graduation. I remember that weekend vividly with you and I remember being in that hotel with you. When I knew we would be staying in Providence I couldn’t stay there so we are in a hotel around the corner.

I have been a little lost in my own thoughts today. Thinking a lot about death. And thinking about, or rather getting angry about what people find sad. Whitney Houston died and while I agree that it is sad, I am not sure I find it any sadder than the death of any other drug addict. I am not sure that I think the fact that she had such an incredible amount of talent made her life any more valuable. I grew up loving her music like many others. But I also watched her deteriorate and that was the sad part. I watched the reality shows and the Oprah specials and through it all felt horrible and sad for Bobbi Kristina. And I guess it sort of pisses me off that everyone finds her death so much more significant than other people’s death. All death is tragic and I don’t find hers any more tragic. In fact, I find yours the most tragic. And especially tragic because you valued your life. You fought hard to live and only took meds that you needed. And I hopelessly follow the paths of other children who have fought so hard and not been given the gift of 48 years. I think of Maddie, Hannah, and Matthew who died in the last couple of months. I think of brave will and super jake and all the other foundations started in honor of warriors that didn’t make it. I think of you. And I wish people really understood the value of life.

That’s it. I am off my soapbox now Jakey, but love you to heaven and back.

Love,

Mommy

 

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Dear Jakey,

  1. Turns out that Ethan’s toys are not zoobles. Apparently we call them zoobles but they are something different. What Santa brought him are called zoobs or something like that. You can build all kinds of cool things with them. I think I call them zoobles because I know that Paige tells us that you play with them in Heaven.
  2. Daddy and I were at the hospital this morning for blood work. The minute I walked in all I could think about is that is where you took your very last breath.
  3. Daddy used to take you to the lab for blood work all the time. It must have been weird for him to be there back in the lab.
  4. I was also at the hospital on Thursday. It is weird how often I am there. I don’t like it Jakey and it doesn’t get any easier. It doesn’t get any harder. It is mostly just surreal.
  5. Tonight was the Lake Ave Pasta dinner. We went to see you before we went over. It struck me as odd and very sad that this was our 2nd time going and both times were without you. You never got to experience the lake ave pasta dinner. And maybe you wouldn’t have but you would have been home cuddling with Kate or Cait. The fact that we have done it twice without you blows.

Love,

Mommy

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