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Archive for July, 2012

dreams

Dear Jakey,

Thursday night you were in my dream. It was the first time in a long time that you were there and the first time in a very long time that it was a good dream. Not just a different version of the death dream. Anyways, you were you. ¬†You were cute as a button but littler than I remember you being. You were on my lap the way you always were but you could move more. We were sitting on the floor and Mommy’s friend Jael was there. You actually talked and walked. And it was pretty amazing. I remember being in awe of your voice. It was so perfect. You walked off my lap and went over to Jael. You touched her cheek and said “hi” and it was just so sweet. And then the best part and the part that made me really know it was you (and the part that I have been keeping all to myself since it happened) was that you then started singing. You started singing Kesha, which only a child of mine would bust out and sing. And it was that song that I was obsessed with and basically played on repeat the last time you were in Plum Island with us. And in my dream last Thursday night you sang it to me. And while Kesha might seem like a random choice, I appreciate it and I loved every minute of it. And my heart breaks a little bit more as time passes along and the sound of your voice is more and more muted. I wish I could somehow hear it as loud as that moment that I first woke up Friday morning. I miss you buddy. So very much.

Love,

Mommy

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light of day

Dear Jakey,

I wonder what it is like on your end. I talk and talk and talk to you all day long in my head. And I feel like you hear but I wonder what it is like for you. I have been struggling on some sort of almost existential level with death. I can’t stop thinking about it and am sometimes all consumed by it. We passed 19 months without you and I struggle more now than ever before. The permanence of death is impossible and truth be told not a concept I can readily grasp. I can’t move past that I won’t hold you here on Earth again. I just can’t get over it. And last week I struggled so much at night – dreams of death and darkness would wake me and scare me enough that I couldn’t go back to sleep. For no particular reason and maybe just sheer exhaustion, this week has been better. But the thing of it is that it reminded me so much of life with you. I can’t keep track of how many nights I would lie awake with you on my arm watching you – often times awake or twitching or seizing or whatever – and in the dark it all was pretty much intolerable. But then at some point, day would come and nothing was quite as bad in the light of day. So I use these times to remember my time with you. And I try to remember that in the light of day everything is able to be tackled – even when it seems impossible.

I struggle with the whole cycle of grief too. I struggle that it all seems so predictable. I read other blogs from moms that lost kids – some as recently as last week. And while some of it should be comforting because it is so similar to how I felt, it actually upsets me. I hate that we all feel the same and that in actuality the way I felt and the thoughts I had when I lost you are more or less the same as others feel. I just don’t know how to process such loss and grief in the world. And I still don’t know how to process the loss of you.

I miss you so much – your smell, your skin, your smirk and all of you.

Mommy

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