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Archive for May, 2012

come down

Dear Jakey,

I am both sad and frustrated that I haven’t written to you in ten days. I know you understand since I have been writing so many letters over and over in my head and I know you hear them. But it seems like I can’t stop repeating them in my head until I get them down. And this has been especially difficult because I find myself mostly frustrated at myself. I was foolish enough to think that post-Mother’s Day life would improve. And I was so comfortable in thinking that we (I) were having such a tough time of it because of all the deliveries, the event, your birthday, Mother’s Day and all the other stuff. But what sucks is that there is always something that is hard. I wanted so much to believe that things would be better starting on May 14th. And while I can’t complain about much, I can complain about the incredible void that has been left by you leaving. And I can complain about how much harder it is on a daily basis than it used to be. And I know people don’t really want to hear about it anymore but the fact of that matter is that life is harder than it was a year ago. It is sadder and it is harder and while  the edges aren’t as sharp  – the dull, constant pain is almost worse. And what is definitely worse is that alien feeling that I have written to you about before. I can’t help but feel different, even from my dearest friends. I can’t help but feel the strangest combination of anger and jealousy and the belief that ignorance is bliss. Anger for their complaints, jealousy over having nothing else to complain about and then just knowing that it is me, not anyone else,  that is off in all this. You can’t be angry and jealous because people’s lives are following different paths. Yet I would never want to be on anyone else’s path – I love the path I was and am on because it gave me you. And I know how much better you made us all. And I know I feel things so much more than I ever did. And I wouldn’t want to change that. Ever.

I wanted to write you a letter the day after Mother’s Day. There was a moment that morning of the 14th when I was so grateful for you and the gifts you gave me. I watch your brother and enjoy our mornings and afternoons together so much and I know so many of our routines started out of our life with you. And for the most part we have held them sacred. I love them and I love that they stemmed out of me balancing crazy morning with two very different yet equally special boys. And I love that even though you aren’t physically here with us each morning, we follow mostly the same patterns. But I missed the window to write you that letter and I let life get away from me. And I hate it when that happens. And I wanted to avoid writing another sad letter to you but sometimes it seems that is unavoidable. I try to remember back to before life seemed so intense and it is hard for me to remember. I think of Andrew Ragan who neither you nor I never met here on Earth but I assume you know now. Or at least I hope you know him now. From everything I have read and heard he was (is) pretty amazing and I like the idea of you being surrounded by good people. And then I think of sweet Tessa who I visited in the hospital today. She reminded me of you so much. Resting and fighting. And fighting so much harder than anyone should have to but doing it the very best she can. And I saw her move and raise her arms and shift her legs and I just knew what that took out of her to do that. And I was so very proud of her for doing it. And I missed you so very much but I trust that you are seeing her through and helping her if she is scared. I miss you so very much my brave boy.

Ethan, once again, sums it up best. Last night he said to me in between tears, “why can’t he just come down?”  And I had no answer because I would give absolutely anything to have you “come down”

Love,

Mommy

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last straw

Dear Jakey,

It has been quite a couple of weeks: your birthday, the fundraiser, Daddy’s birthday, the donor luncheon and now Mother’s Day which is really the last straw. I hate to say it but I look forward to getting past it all. Each thing is a positive, or at least should be but for me it is all seeming more and more exhausting and somewhat overwhelming. Especially Mother’s Day. I never really know how certain days will hit me – sometimes there is so much anxiety leading up to a particular day that the day itself ends up being fine and other times I am just not prepared. Yesterday was one of them. I woke up very mad at the world. And I felt bad about it because I didn’t really want to be. But I also wanted to skip the whole day. I really just didn’t want Mother’s Day to exist anymore and I really was having a hard time keeping it together. But then I didn’t keep it together and I cried and Daddy gave me a big hug and that sort of helped. It helps knowing I don’t have to explain why I am being ornery. We hung out with Abue & G-Pa and that turned out really nice because I could focus on hanging out with Abue as the daughter and not really pay much attention to the fact that it was mother’s day and I was missing half of my group. But still I am glad this stretch is over. I wasn’t really prepared for the emotional unleashing the last two weeks had on me. And I just find myself saying how I can’t wait for things to quiet down and return to normal. And the worst part about that is deep down I know that won’t happen and no matter how well-adjusted I think I am, I am not. I am still just a sad and sometimes pissed off momma who wants her boy back. I miss you so much Jakey. I hope you can feel all my love up in Heaven.

Love,

Your one and only momma

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6

Dear Jakey,

I woke up this morning very very early. I refused to look at the clock because I instinctively knew what time it was. When I finally did look, it was moments past 4:35 and I knew the reason I was awake. It was 6 years ago that you came into my life – well my physical life here on Earth. You had been in my life since the moment I knew I was pregnant shortly after our first visit to the Rock House. I remember that moment walking in our old condo, getting completely and utterly light headed and just knowing. Knowing a test wouldn’t prove it yet but knowing you were there. And then going to stroller strides with Ethan and telling my dear friend, Tracy, my suspicions. It wasn’t too long after that moment that your presence was confirmed and we started on our journey together. You were an easy pregnancy but not without scares. There were more doctor visits with you. I remember being in Marshall’s in Braintree with Ethan and being so afraid that I had miscarried. I had to drop Ethan to Daddy at Mission Hill and get right to the dr. But all was okay – that was our first clue that you were such a fighter. And then when you were breach and we had to schedule the procedure where they try to turn you and possibly a C-section. But then at the very last-minute you turned on your own. I remember sitting with Daddy on our couch and all of a sudden my belly taking on a life of its own. And both of us watching with some sort of shock as you wiggled your way into position. And then as we approached your due date we scheduled an induction to prevent any high blood pressure at the end like your brother gave me. I remember vividly getting ready to go into the hospital. We didn’t have to go in until 8:00 at night so Abue & G-Pa were up. I remember cooking dinner and eating at our big dining room table. I actually miss that condo quite a bit. And we put Ethan to bed – he knew you were coming but at 15 months wasn’t really sure what was going on. And I remember getting mad at Daddy and G-Pa because they wouldn’t stop talking about something not related to me or you and I was getting ready to have a baby! So off we went. And I remember the pitocin and the epidural and all that stuff. And I remember when you were ready, it was only 9 minutes of pushing. It was so quick and dare I say easy? You just knew what to do. And Daddy cut your cord and there you were in my arms. A perfect 8 lb 3 oz baby boy. And we went home May 5th. I was anxious to get out of the hospital and see Ethan. But I also remember wishing we stayed at the hospital for our full 2 nights. We left because we could – you were healthy and happy. You were eating so well and never even dropped weight after you were born. I wish I could go back to those moments though – those moments 6 years ago today where I was just first meeting you and I wish I could freeze time. I wish I could be in that picture from the hospital bed with you in my arms and your brother crawling on top of us both. His love for you apparent in those early photos as well as your strength and resilience. I miss you so much my boy. More than ever as your brother likes to say now. I hope you truly are healthy and happy in Heaven, just like you were 6 years ago today.

Love,

Mommy

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May Days

Dear Jakey,

It is May 1st. Your birthday is Friday. I can’t wrap my head around you as a 6-year-old. It seems so old to me as your Mommy but then it seems so young because your gone. It was just a the last two weeks that I was feeling you everywhere and I hung on to those moments so desperately. I felt you at Bruce Springsteen in such an intense way. It’s only happened a couple of times where I just knew you were there – the first time was at Rock of Ages and this was the same certain feeling. And the cardinal was everywhere in those days. I knew you were at Christopher’s for the delivery. And you were everywhere – at the cemetery, around town. Susan saw you. Karen saw you in Maine. Miss Briana asked you to show yourself to her and you did. Amy called to tell me you were following her. It was unstoppable. And it was awesome. And I love it when you are everywhere. And then the tide changes and it seems like the reality of what happens is so cruel.  And it doesn’t matter what anyone says. Whether they think I am doing better or whether they think I am healed or whether they think I am only friends with people who knew Jake. It is all completely and totally irrelevant because the only thing that is true is that you are gone and every single day is hard without you. And it isn’t just me that misses you so much. Ethan is struggling. He has been having a really hard time with us being out and with sleeping at night. And he comes downstairs crying for you. He just seems a little lost. And it is so hard to know how to help him sometimes.

And this week is mostly all about you. Your birthday and your event. And how much we miss you. And love you.

Love,

Mommy

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