California Dreamin’

So Jakey, I didn’t keep my daily 5 promise. Not sure what happened and I won’t make excuses but I am sorry. Miss Trish wrote you the most beautiful letter on Valentine’s Day and I wanted to write it to you but didn’t. And now I have to wait until we get back home. And you got a bunch of valentine’s at your grave which always makes me feel happy. Both of your girls were there competing for you attention

Anyways, we are in San Diego with Sarena. We flew out Friday and she came down from San Jose yesterday. We have a bunch of fun stuff planned for the next few days and then we have a few chill days in LA. I have had so many moments with you lately though and it makes me think of living out the rest of our lives without you. Early this morning Ethan came into our bed. He snuggled up against me and I could feel every move he made. It made me think of my nights with you when your head would rest on my arm and I felt every twitch and seizure. And I would squeeze you tight when you needed it and I would pray that they wouldn’t wake you. I could almost feel you next to me while I thought about it. And on the plane ride over we were watching old videos on my computer. And it is so wonderful yet so hard to watch you in them. At a certain point I just can’t wrap my head around watching you live and breathe.

I won’t let so much time go again my buddy. Know that I think about you, feel you and miss you every passing second of the day.

Love,

Mommy

 

Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine’s Day my sweet Jake!  I feel pretty good about your decorations. Ethan and I were at your place – decking it all out on Friday morning and we were both so thrilled to see the cardinal there watching. The wind has wrecked some havoc on the stuff so we will take it all down tomorrow but at least you know we’re thinking of you. We decided to go to the connection tonight for dinner after TKD as our family Valentine’s dinner. Daddy and I have our craving for the cheesy and saucy mexican food but I also think you may have played a role in our decision. We haven’t been in a long time and for the longest time it was the only place we went with you. It feels right going there tonight.

And I got my new ring today. It is beautiful – not hugely different from my other one but still different. It makes me sad that you’ve never seen it. It feels weird to have it be something else, something that you don’t know.

Hope you guys are having a super fun bash celebrating Hunter’s birthday in Heaven.

XOXO,

Mommy

life and death

Dear Jakey,

I am sitting in a hotel in Providence tonight. Daddy is in the bathroom and Ethan is watching a show about fishing. We spent a few hours at Aunt Shirley’s and Uncle John’s and visited with your family. We are staying the night in a hotel near the Hilton which we stayed in two summers ago with you when we were up for Jasmine’s graduation. I remember that weekend vividly with you and I remember being in that hotel with you. When I knew we would be staying in Providence I couldn’t stay there so we are in a hotel around the corner.

I have been a little lost in my own thoughts today. Thinking a lot about death. And thinking about, or rather getting angry about what people find sad. Whitney Houston died and while I agree that it is sad, I am not sure I find it any sadder than the death of any other drug addict. I am not sure that I think the fact that she had such an incredible amount of talent made her life any more valuable. I grew up loving her music like many others. But I also watched her deteriorate and that was the sad part. I watched the reality shows and the Oprah specials and through it all felt horrible and sad for Bobbi Kristina. And I guess it sort of pisses me off that everyone finds her death so much more significant than other people’s death. All death is tragic and I don’t find hers any more tragic. In fact, I find yours the most tragic. And especially tragic because you valued your life. You fought hard to live and only took meds that you needed. And I hopelessly follow the paths of other children who have fought so hard and not been given the gift of 48 years. I think of Maddie, Hannah, and Matthew who died in the last couple of months. I think of brave will and super jake and all the other foundations started in honor of warriors that didn’t make it. I think of you. And I wish people really understood the value of life.

That’s it. I am off my soapbox now Jakey, but love you to heaven and back.

Love,

Mommy

 

thoughts on a friday night

Dear Jakey,

1. Turns out that Ethan’s toys are not zoobles. Apparently we call them zoobles but they are something different. What Santa brought him are called zoobs or something like that. You can build all kinds of cool things with them. I think I call them zoobles because I know that Paige tells us that you play with them in Heaven.
2. Daddy and I were at the hospital this morning for blood work. The minute I walked in all I could think about is that is where you took your very last breath.
3. Daddy used to take you to the lab for blood work all the time. It must have been weird for him to be there back in the lab.
4. I was also at the hospital on Thursday. It is weird how often I am there. I don’t like it Jakey and it doesn’t get any easier. It doesn’t get any harder. It is mostly just surreal.
5. Tonight was the Lake Ave Pasta dinner. We went to see you before we went over. It struck me as odd and very sad that this was our 2nd time going and both times were without you. You never got to experience the lake ave pasta dinner. And maybe you wouldn’t have but you would have been home cuddling with Kate or Cait. The fact that we have done it twice without you blows.

Love,

Mommy

zoobles

Dear Jakey,

Santa brought Ethan zoobles this year for Christmas. They are pretty cool – he has a zooble mobile where you can build all different types of cars and there is a wireless remote control part to it too. He loves it. I keep thinking that if you were still here he would be building, you would be watching and then we would run the car around you and play. Or we would use the remote lever like one of your switch toys and you would send the car flying off your stander tray.

We miss you buddy. I know this isn’t 5 things today but its all I got.

Love,

Mommy

 

14 months

Dear Jakey,

Today has been a strange day. Actually a lot of them have been strange lately but this one more so. After you died, I spent a lot of time surrounded by people, and then there was a stretch where I didn’t want too many people around and then it just seemed to resume to some kind of new normal for me. Anyways, lately I have returned back to a little bit of my loner mood. I just don’t feel like talking with people and sometimes it just seems awkward. I know it is mostly in my head but I sometimes feel so different from everyone else that it gets to be too much. And things are just too overwhelming. Anyways, at some point yesterday I realized that today would be the 8th and that it was a Wednesday and that 14 months without you was going to feel significant. So today I proceeded with caution – I woke up and ran with Susan, I built zoobles with Ethan before school, we went to see you and then to school and then I went to Target and filled up my cart with all sorts of random things.

I came home and began organizing the bathroom (part of the Target purchases) and the phone rang. As you know, I usually ignore the house phone. I have started paying attention to it because we use it as the JHFH phone number and we have been getting more calls. Anyways, I pick up the phone and it turns out to be a priest from St. Clement’s Bereavement program. And it turned out to be a true gift from God today. He asked about you and I got to speak about you for about 20 minutes. He was kind and listened and said everything just right. And I can’t even tell you how awesome it was to just sit and talk about you. It was just lovely. And while it means I didn’t make it to my closet organization, it did take some of the weight off my shoulders today. Thank you buddy.

I love you so much my peanut. And I miss every single thing about you.

Love,

Mommy

From Cait 2 (2/2/12)

Jakey,

I just wanted to let you know a few things that are going on.

1. I got a new tattoo. It’s a grateful dead bear blowing lots of bubbles. It reminds me of you because bubbles were always something fun we did together. I’ve been debating doing it for a while now and I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to do. I chose to have the bear blowing bubbles because no matter what a terrible mood I’m in grateful dead music always cheers me up, just like the thought of you. All in all I’m very happy with my decision and I hope you like it too.
2. The Giants are in the Super Bowl as I’m sure you already know. I can picture you in that cute Giants hat you hot at training camp. You looked so adorable as always. I saw this football and had to get it for you, a little souvenir I know you’ll do you best to help them kick butt. GO BIG BLUE!
3. I miss you terribly. More than I think anyone really knows. The thought of you is always in my head. Sometimes I just want to cry. But I know you wouldn’t want me to, it’s just hard.
4. I haven’t seen your family in a very long time which is also super sad. Ethan is such a busy boy and so is your mommy, and without you there’s really no need for me. It’s okay though, life just gets very busy and I understand  Hopefully I’ll be seeing them on Saturday so I can give your brother his Christmas/Birthday present. Yes, I am still terrible with things like that. Better late than never though, right?

I know this letter is pretty much a bunch of rambling on but these were just a few of the things on my mind.

Once again, I miss you and I love you so much.

Love always,

Cait2

PS If you have some free time I wouldn’t mind a visit in my dreams or just some sort of sign you’re with me. There have been a few moments when I know you’re watching over me making sure I’m safe…you know what I mean.

I love you again dude

Big Blue

Dear Jakey,

The Giants won! Woo hoo. Even Daddy acknowledged that you were a Giants fan with me. Somehow you gave him Red Sox love , but I know you always had Giants love. You used to rock a Tiki Barber jersey, actually your brother did too, but something about you in it I remember vividly. And I can never forget you in your Giants hat – the one you brought to school all the time to rock at recess on bright sunny days. And I think Beth helped seal the deal – she’s a big Giants fan too. Hope you are enjoying the celebration in Heaven. I am closing my eyes tight and picturing you happy, maybe even belly laughing.

So much love,

Mommy

 

cinco

Dear Jakey,

In my  mind I almost thought I would get away without my five today because I could copy a beautiful letter Cait wrote to you and left at your grave. But the way it worked out I don’t have the letter with me so I am giving you my own original five – Cait’s will follow soon.

1. Skiing last year made me feel closer to you. This year it hasn’t had the same effect. My first run today reminded me of last year. There are times when skiing when everything can feel just right – when you can feel all alone yet connected with the world. Today for some reason I felt it – last year I felt it almost every time and this year I hadn’t felt it until today. It was good.
2. Chowderfest happened today. Just another day that would have been a nightmare with you here on earth – no offense my little man but it would have been hard on your momma. We did it without you and actually managed to taste no chowder. Go figure.
3. Tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday. I have left some Giants stuff at your place. I am nervous though buddy. Ethan joined Daddy with the Patriots. Not good.
4. We are seeing the Globetrotters tomorrow. Not sure what to make of that.
5. One of these days we will replace the engagement ring that the atlantic stole while in aruba.

XOXO

Mommy

Today’s almost forgotten 5

I almost forgot Jakey – and it is only day 2. Anyways, here goes:

1.  Miss Bridget and I bought you a Giants necklace. Go Big Blue.
2. I looked at pictures of you last night in your orange spica and your superman shirt. You were cute as a button.
3. Paulie’s mom – who you only met once – had a dream and you were in it. She said that she thought you missed me. I know you miss me buddy and I miss you so very much but part of me really believes that you are so warm and happy and free that you can wait as long as necessary to see me again. I think my wait is worse.
4. We are sleeping in LG tonight.
5. Daddy and I met with Rich at the Strike Zone about your event today. I love having this to focus on. I finally feel like my energy can go somewhere positive.

Til tomorrow my little peanut.

Love,

Mommy